Parting The Continents
by Big D on a Diet
Summary: Horrible, horrible DLP-inspired crackfic. Easily my worst work ever. Features Evil!Harry/Cannibal!Luna/Confused!Laurasia. Don't know who Laurasia is? Neither does anyone else. You will regret reading this as much as I regret writing it.


Parting the Continents

by Big D

Disclaimer: Not Mine. No Profit. No Shit.

AN: Started this way back when, in a fit of trollish humor. Everyone is brutally OOC (except perhaps Dumbledore), for reasons that I have no explanation for. At one point, I considered making Luna and Harry evil twins from another dimension, or some hokey shit like that, but decided to just leave it as it was and let the reader take it for what they will. As for Laurasia, quick recap from long, long ago…

(Laurasia is a new character created exclusively for the movie versions of the HP franchise, who is scheduled to appear in the HBP film. I have no idea what her role is supposed to be, and frankly I don't really care. I never would have noticed her at all, except for a thread at Dark Lord Potter where a couple of dozen people sat around and cunt-blasted over the fact that the directors were now making up new characters.

Sensing vast lulz potential, and noticing that the actress who plays her (River George) is a nasty little British hottie, I immediately stated my unwavering allegiance to the Harry/Laurasia ship (henceforth known as "Larry"), and decided to write the first Harry/Laurasia smutfic. I'm still not entirely sure how Luna got involved, but I figured what the hell, and left her in.)

It later got further bastardized by me deciding to adapt it to fill two running DLP challenges: The Annual Kill-Off and the brand new Rape-Off (they don't call the place a wretched hive of scum and villainy for nothing, folks). If not for that, this would have remained mercifully abandoned.

For the record, Laurasia got cut from the movie. I kinda dig that though. It means she's all mine. Poor girl.

* * *

Harry slipped back into Professor Slughorn's office, running over in his head what he had just heard while eavesdropping on Snape and Malfoy. This mysterious "plan" of theirs had end-of-year climactic shit-storm written all over it, and it seemed like he was the only one who cared. Hermione head was in the sand, more worried about some scribbles in the margins of his textbook than what the people who kept trying to kill them every single year were up to. Harry had taken to making his own additions just to freak her out, like a fake spell that turned bookworms into wanton sluts (Babus Maximus) and an old family recipe for House Elf mince pie, made from real house elves.

Ron, on the other hand, had his head (both of them) stuffed so far up Lavender's twat that he actually missed breakfast twice this week. Harry wished him well, but if local gossip was any indication, Lav's chamber of not-so-secrets was overflowing with the kind of monsters that made Slytherin's basilisk seem tame. For shits and giggles, he told Ron that Madam Pomfrey treated the clap with controlled splinching when the other boy mentioned that it burned when he peed.

Coming to a quick decision, Harry nodded to himself, pulled out his little notebook and jotted down a reminder to kill Malfoy at the next convenient opportunity, then circled and underlined it so he wouldn't forget. He almost included a note that he should make it look like an accident, but then figured that a simple disappearance might actually be less suspicious, given that Draco was now apparently a Death Eater.

'_Cut up and feed corpse to Buckbeak,' _he wrote, then scribbled it out, deciding that a trip to Grimmauld Place would be too much trouble for one little ferret. _'Feed corpse to house-elves,_' he wrote next, before something even better occurred to him. _'Feed corpse to Slytherins!!!'_

He tucked the notebook away with a satisfied grin and caught a flash of blonde hair coming towards him out of the corner of his eye. He turned to tell Luna that he was leaving, and to find out if she wouldn't mind sucking him off in a broom closet before he took her back to her dorm, but stopped when he realized that the girl approaching him wasn't his date, or as far as he could tell, anyone he had ever met before.

She was roughly his age and a tall for a girl, with very light blonde hair, cut just above her neck. Like most of the students there, she was dressed in the muggle fashion, in a black cocktail dress that left her shoulders bare, along with a generous portion of her slender back.

The girl stopped in front of him with a little bounce and flashed a cheerful smile. "Hello, Harry," she said. "You wanna dance?"

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it and frowned in confusion. "I'm sorry, have we met," he asked carefully.

The girl's smile faded away and she turned a little green. "I'm Laurasia," she said, somewhat sheepishly. "I'm in Hufflepuff." Noting his blank expression, she tried again. "We've had classes together for over five years," she said quietly with a painful look on her face.

Harry shrugged helplessly.

"I was sorted right ahead of you," she continued, becoming more earnest. "We rode in the same boat as firsties!"

He snapped his fingers and pointed at her. "That's right! You threw up over the side, didn't you?!"

Harry wouldn't have thought that she could deflate anymore, but she managed it anyway, staring at the ground with an embarrassed flush. "Yeah... I'd actually forgotten about that," she mumbled at her shoes. "Thanks."

He frowned thoughtfully. "And didn't you cry when they put the Hat on you?"

Laurasia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Harry took the opportunity to go up on his toes and casually leer down her dress. "Yeah, that was me, too."

"And didn't you once switch your arms and legs in Charms? You had to walk upside down for a week until they could fix it!" Harry chuckled in remembrance. "Good times, good times..."

"Yeah..." Laurasia muttered unenthusiastically. "Listen, uh... I'll just go, okay. I'm sorry I bothered you."

Harry reached out and lightly caught her arm before she could leave. "You're not bothering me," he told her.

She smiled again and moved closer, slipping her arm into his. "So you do want to dance?"

He shook his head and made a face. "Not even a little. Actually, I was just about to leave. Wanna go somewhere quiet and make out?"

Laurasia blinked in surprise and looked around, her blush returning in full force. "What, right now?"

"No better time. I don't believe putting off the really important things."

She sidled up a little closer to him, pressing lightly against his side but not quite making eye contact. Harry muttered a silent thanks for shy but horny fangirls. "Um... I guess so? But didn't you bring a date," she asked.

Harry frowned again and looked around. "Yeah, where is she anyway?" He went up on his toes and spotted Luna near the refreshment table talking to Professor Slughorn. Pulling a slightly bewildered Laurasia behind him, he went to find out what she was up to now.

As they approached, he heard Slughorn responding to something Luna had said. "Muggle magic, you say? And how exactly is that supposed to work?"

"Well," Luna responded with an eager grin. "What you do is take a pencil, just like this," she produced one from the surprisingly deep neckline of her dress. "And you balance it on the table like so, with the sharp end pointing straight up." She carefully set the pencil down and glanced back at Slughorn. "Move over here a little, Professor, so you can see it a better..." Slughorn shuffled around the table and leaned down to peer intently at the muggle writing utensil.

"But how do you make it disappear," he asked curiously.

Harry sighed and reached over, plucking the pencil off the table just as Luna was moving into position to finish the trick. "Sorry to interrupt, Professor, but I really need to be going, and I promised Luna that I'd walk her back to her dorm."

Luna pouted cutely at him. "But didn't you tell me that you wanted Professor Slughorn to see this?"

Slughorn piped up. "Certainly, Harry! I'd love to find out what those Muggles try to pass off as magic!"

Harry tried to suppress a laugh and mostly failed. Luckily, Slughorn seemed to take it as good humor rather than dark irony. "Tell you what, Horace. I promise that I'll show you exactly how it's done before the term is out, personally. How's that?"

Slughorn rubbed his chins thoughtfully, sticking his thumb between the folds to root out any excess buildup. He wiped the greenish residue on a handkerchief from his side pocket. "Well, I suppose it can wait." He seemed to notice Laurasia for the first time. "I'm sorry, my dear. I don't think I caught your name?"

"Laurasia," she nearly snapped. "It's Laurasia! I sit in the front row of your class, Professor!" He stared at her blankly and she gaped at him. "Good god, man, you must know who I am if you invited me here!"

Slughorn shook his head, jowls smacking wetly against each other. "No, I'm certain I've never seen you before in my life, my dear."

Laurasia closed her eyes and cursed under her breath. When she opened them, it was to find Luna standing right in front of her, their bodies nearly touching. She took a step back and the other girl moved with her, leaning over to stare down the front of her dress.

Luna turned to Harry with a grin. "I bet I know what we can make disappear down there," she said excitedly. "And it's a lot bigger than a pencil!"

Harry smiled at her fondly and threw an arm over her shoulder. "What am I going to do with you," he asked as the three of them approached the door.

Luna snuggled against him. "Fuck me raw and spank me until I cry?"

"Only if you stop trying to kill the professors," he admonished.

"Spoilsport," she muttered. "You get to have all the fun!"

"You know," Laurasia said, more than a little freaked out by the way the conversation had turned. "For some reason I suddenly wish I never existed."

"Oh," Harry said, reaching an arm around her as well. "Don't let Luna scare you. She only does this to get attention."

"Whatever works," Luna murmured, then narrowed her eyes as Professor Snape swept around the far corner and began walking towards them, a disgusted look sliding across his pinched, sallow face.

"I see that some things truly never change," the man growled. "Your father was a lecherous parasite and an abuser of women, Potter, and it's clear that his blood runs strong in you."

Laurasia meekly slipped out from under Harry's arm and stared at the floor as the Slytherin Head glared at her. Luna merely laid her head on Harry's shoulder and watched the taller man without blinking.

Harry let out a deep sigh. "Listen, Snape. I just spent several hours mingling with a group of people that I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire, and these shoes are making my feet hurt, so can we just skip ahead to the part where you call me a disgrace, and then you scurry off to your room to spend the rest of the night humping your sheets and thinking about my mother?"

Laurasia stared at him in shock, and Snape actually lunged forward to grab him by the lapels. "How dare you speak to me like that!" he hissed into Harry's face. "You have absolutely no idea how much I've sacrificed to keep you safe, all in her name! You truly are a disgrace, Potter. A disgrace to her memory and to all the fools who've convinced themselves that you are anything more than an idiot child living off a string of good luck!"

Harry put his hands on Snape's chest and shoved him back on his heels. For a moment, he considered drawing his wand and killing the man where he stood, but after a few seconds the tension drained out of him and he calmly straightened his clothes. He glanced at Luna, who had taken a step back and placed herself just outside of Snape's peripheral vision, one hand subtly grasping her wand.

"Yes," Harry told her matter-of-factly.

A slight frown marred her face as she looked at him in confusion. "Yes?"

Harry nodded at her. "Yes."

Luna's frown was replaced by a sudden look of childlike delight and surprise. "Really," she squealed.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he assured her, then stepped back several paces, drawing Laurasia with him and turning her so that she ended up pressed against him, her back to his front. Harry slipped his arms across her stomach, rested his chin on her shoulder, and whispered into her ear.

"If you're squeamish, you might want to close your eyes now."

Snape drew himself up again, shaking with rage as he glared burning holes at Harry, who simply gave him a tight-lipped, knowing smile from behind a few loose strands of the Hufflepuff girl's fine blonde hair, then directed his attention towards Luna, who had fixed an unmoving stare of her own on Snape. The slender Ravenclaw was gulping in air like she was hyperventilating, stretching the fabric of her already snug white dress taut against her body. Her fingers were opening and closing, claw-like, and Laurasia realized with a sudden shock that Luna's dress wasn't tighter because of the way she was breathing, it was due to the fact that she had grown a full six inches, and was now nearly as tall as Snape himself.

She felt Harry smile fondly against her cheek. "It takes her a few seconds to warm up, but the wait is worth it." His hand slid along the underside of her left breast, above her dress, and Laurasia could feel him stiffening where he was pressed against her backside, but she was too absorbed in the spectacle unfolding before her to pay it much mind. A distant part of her mind was telling her that something was very wrong and she should get away from here as fast as she could, but it was getting harder to focus as the seconds ticked by. The idea that Harry might have put her under some kind of befuddlement spell when she was distracted was immediately dismissed. Harry Potter wouldn't do anything like that.

He was one of the good guys, wasn't he?

Her brief introspection was ended by the sound of Snape's growling, but clearly worried voice. "Whatever it is your little girlfriend is doing, make her stop," the professor said, drawing his wand. "Before I do."

Harry hissed something barely audible, aiming his wand from behind Laurasia's waist with his free hand. Snape spun around to deflect the Disarming Spell in time, but in doing so left his flank open to attack. In a blink, Luna had finished "warming up", as Harry had called it, and shifted into a gigantic mass of pure white fur that nearly filled the corridor, tearing her clothes to shreds as she did. Letting out a roar that would have been heard in Hogsmeade if not for the Silencing Spell Harry had already placed on the area, the polar bear animagus pounced on Snape, dragging him to the ground and biting viciously into his skull. Luna shook her great snout like a pitbull, and Snape's death howls were cut off almost before they had a chance to begin.

The Slytherin Head's feet were still kicking when Luna planted a massive paw on his chest, and with one heave of her thousand pound frame, tore his head completely off his shoulders. She turned around, still chewing, then tilted her head back and swallowed it in one huge gulp. Luna licked her chops clean, stretched, and shifted back to her human form, much quicker than she had gone the other way. Completely nude, she let out a loud belch, then giggled like she had broken some silly rule and ran over to give Harry a hug, heedless of Laurasia being sandwiched between them. Luna kissed Harry over her shoulder, then brushed a second kiss across Laurasia's unresponsive lips, pressing herself even more suggestively against the other girl.

Horror finally broke whatever spell, be it magical or just shock, that had been holding her in place and she tore herself out from between them, stumbling over her own feet and landing against the far wall. Not knowing what else to do, she huddled there, staring fearfully up at the pair.

Harry and Luna hardly seemed to notice. The still naked Ravenclaw merely slipped under Harry's arm again, while he placed his hand on her bare belly and frowned.

"I wonder where it all goes," he mused, caressing Luna's trim waist, which clearly wasn't up to the task of holding an entire human head.

"You shouldn't ask," Luna replied seriously, "You'll kill the suspension of disbelief. Just say it's magic and move on."

"What have you done," a shrill voice cried out, cutting off Harry's response. He glanced down at Laurasia, but she was still more or less catatonic. Frowning, he looked over his shoulder and spotted Malfoy standing about twenty feet away, a panicked expression on his face as he looked between them and the corpse of, not only his Godfather, but the man who had sworn the Unbreakable Vow to aid him in his current task or die trying.

Harry and Luna glanced at each other for a brief second, then turned back to Malfoy and said in perfect unison, "He tripped and fell… I swear."

Draco didn't say a word in response. He simply turned around and began sprinting back towards the Slug Club party, which was the only group of people in this wing of the castle. Luna calmly extracted herself from Harry and went to rummage through the shredded remnants of her clothing, looking for her wand, while Harry cast a Tripping Hex at the fleeing Slytherin and summoned him back to them by his shoes, sliding on his belly. Kneeling down, Harry put a knee into the small of Draco's spine, then bent him backwards with one arm wrapped around his neck. Malfoy finally went for his wand, but Luna disarmed him before he had a chance to bring it to bear.

"To be perfectly honest," Harry hissed into Draco's ear while he struggled and sputtered for breath. "I don't really care what you and old Snivellus there were plotting together. I'm just sick of looking at you." With that, Harry reversed his wand and shoved it into Malfoy's mouth, all the way down his windpipe.

"Aguamenti!"

The torrent of conjured water flooded Malfoy's lungs in seconds, and Harry immediately followed up with a second curse, which froze it solid. Shoving Malfoy face down to the stone floor, Harry stood up and serenely brushed himself off, watching as Draco beat frantically at his own chest and began to turn blue, both from the cold and the lack of oxygen. He flopped on the ground like a hooked fish, trying to breathe, trying to scream, trying to think of some way to save his own miserable life. He flipped onto his back and held out a beseeching hand to Harry, who had already dismissed him from his mind and set about cleaning up the corridor before anyone else came along.

Draco turned to Laurasia, tears streaming from his bloodshot eyes, and begged her silently to help him. A simple dispelling charm would be enough to save him, since it would vanish the conjured water in his lungs, but she was too horrified to think straight. When Harry reached down and took her by the arm, she went to him willingly, burying her face in his shoulder, never mind the fact that he was the one who kept killing people and freaking her out. Draco stared at her, a dumfounded expression on his now-purple face, at which Harry merely gave him a "go figure" shrug.

"I'll let you off with a warning this time if you say that you're sorry," he told Draco seriously.

Draco gave it a shot, frozen lungs and all, but passed out three tries in, and finally died a few seconds later. Harry flicked his wand, transfiguring the still warm body into a sparkly party hat, which he summoned to himself and placed on Laurasia's head while she sobbed into his chest. Luna came skipping along a few moments later, still not having bothered to conjure new clothing and twirling a bright pink dildo that used to be the Hogwarts' Defense instructor's corpse.

Harry took one look at it and shook his head. "I told you I don't go for that kind of thing, Luna."

She shrugged. "I thought we could sneak it into the Headmaster's room. Apparently he goes for that kind of thing, and I think Snape would feel right at home."

Harry flinched at the mental image, but enjoyed the idea immensely.

"Are we forgetting anything," he asked her.

"Ron," she replied instantly.

Harry shook his head again. "Not until the Christmas hols. Gotta have something to look forward to."

Luna pouted. "Ginny," she pleaded, bouncing on her toes.

"No, I promised the twins they could kill her."

She deflated again. "Fine then. But I call dibs on McGonagall."

He leaned down and kissed her again. "You got it." He slipped off his watch and muttered an incantation over it. "Grab on."

The three of them and their cargo disappeared as Harry whispered the activation phrase.

"Mischief managed."

Apparently Harry had lost his focus for a moment when he enchanted the portkey, because instead of reappearing in the Chamber of Secrets, where he and the girls could easily make their escape into any part of the castle they chose, they were spat out into a completely dark room. Harry lit the tip of his wand, covering it with his hand to keep the light from being seen, and had a look around.

Hundreds of robes lined the walls on hangers, each with a different eye-wrenching patterns, like a psychedelic vomit of stars, moons, and comets. Various shades of purple dominated, with pastel colors hard on their heels. Above each robe was a matching pointed wizard's hat, and the far wall was lined with drawers, above which were neat little alcoves filled with rows and rows of well polished boots, some of which went to mid thigh, with zippers up the back.

"Harry," Luna said quietly, sounding worried for possibly the first time since he'd met her. "I know I said we should sneak into Dumbledore's room, but I didn't think we were going to do it while he was here asleep."

Harry glanced at Luna, naked as the day she was born and carrying a professor's corpse that had been transfigured into a dildo, but suddenly worried that they might get into trouble, and stifled a chuckle. He hadn't meant to come here either, but the opportunity was too good to pass up. Laurasia had clamped her hands over her mouth, eyes wild underneath her party hat, which itself was a dead body, formerly one Draco Malfoy.

"Take off your shoes," he mouthed to her, and quickly did likewise himself. The Hufflepuff looked like she wanted to cry again, but did as he told her. He shoved both pairs into a coat pocket, which was enchanted to hold whatever was placed inside, then crept towards the door, beckoning the girls behind him. They huddled behind him as he carefully opened the closet door and stuck his head out.

The windows to his left let in just enough moonlight to get a decent look, but hid most of the details in shadows. The bedroom was sparsely furnished, with a simple wooden floor and no intrusive portraits. It was clear that Dumbledore didn't spend any more time here than he could help, most of his life being consumed with running the school, and now the greater war effort. Harry eased the door open just enough to slip through, followed by Luna and Laurasia. The chamber was dominated by a single four poster bed, much like the ones in the student dorms, but several times larger. Harry found that strange, since any of those should have fit Dumbledore easily.

A huge mound of blankets and pillows, nearly three feet of them, had been piled onto the bed. At least that's what Harry thought they were until the "blankets" let out a sleepy grunt and shifted around. Laurasia let out a little "eep" from behind her hands, then hunched down again when Harry glared at her. Luna, having quickly regained her bravado, slipped past him to get a better look. Whatever she saw must have been fairly horrific, even for someone who had bitten off and swallowed Snape's entire head just a few minutes earlier, since her face twisted into a grimace of utter disgust and she hurried right back, looking green even in the dim light. Harry gave her an asking look, but all she did was shake her head back and forth, as if she could get the memory out of her brain by centrifugal force. Harry steadied himself and stepped forward to take a look for himself, and instantly wished he hadn't.

The covers had been cast aside to reveal Dumbledore wrapped snugly in the embrace of Hagrid, the Headmaster's lips wrapped around one massive, hairy nipple and suckling gently, like a sleeping baby. Both were completely nude, with Dumbledore's right hand down between them, wrapped around the base of Hagrid's wrist-thick cock. The rest of its length was trapped between the old man thighs, poking out just beneath the flat, wrinkled frown of Dumbledore's crack, dark brown evidence of their recent joining still coating the tip.

Harry turned away from the tableau and put his hands on his knees, trying to stay quiet as he fought down the urge to vomit with everything he had. An involuntary shudder of pure, rancid squick swept over him as the image forced itself across the inside of his eyelids over and over again. Sensing that he might be too far gone to help himself, Luna tiptoed over and gently pulled him away, then took his hands and placed them on her breasts.

"Oh, boobies…" Harry mumbled, putting his face in Luna's hair and breathing in her scent. "Nice, soft boobies… save me from madness."

After a few minutes of gratuitous fondling, Harry finally got his head back on straight. He plucked the Draco-hat of Laurasia's head, and placed it carefully on Dumbledore's, then slipped the tip of the Snape-dildo into Hargid's mouth and started snapping pictures, half of which Luna insisted on posing for, dragging an unwilling, but too terrified to resist Laurasia along with her. After a final pic featuring the two of them leashed and collared at the foot of the bed, presumably after being beaten by the Headmaster, Harry called a halt to the festivities before their luck finally ran out. Stealing back into Dumbledore's closet, he respelled the portkey and started to activate before Laurasia put a hand on his wrist.

"We left those… things back there. Won't they revert back to dead bodies in a couple of hours?"

Harry shrugged. "It's Dumbledore's problem now. What's he going to do, tell the aurors that a couple of corpses fell from the sky while he was getting sodomized by his half-giant groundskeeper?"

He cut off her answer by activating the portkey. Taking a look around, he cursed as he realized that the spell had misfired again. Drab was the first word that came to mind about their new surroundings. It was a place of such utter sterility and hopelessness that even the atmosphere was oppressing, as if someone had sucked away even the possibility of fun here.

"Damn," Harry muttered in annoyance, tapping his watch. "I'm never going to get this stupid spell to work."

"Is this Azkaban," Laurasia asked worriedly.

"No," Harry grunted, glancing around. "I know where we are." He nodded at the girls, then pointed towards the kitchen. "Go make me a sandwich, I'll be back in a minute."

Luna watched him stomp up the stairs, then shrugged and padded down the hall to the kitchen, Laurasia obediently following, simply because she didn't know what else to do.

From above, the sound of banging furniture and bloodcurdling screams could be heard. A man was bellowing "The freak's gone insane", while a woman screeched behind him and a third voice kept yelling "No, please no" over and over again. A few seconds later, there was another crash and something heavy came flying down the stairs, landing at the base with a wet smack and the sound of bones breaking. Luna looked up from her sandwich making and stuck her head in the hall just long enough to give a polite wave and a smile to a fat boy who was dressed in pajamas soaked in his own blood.

"HELP US, YOU STUPID CUNT," the boy screamed at her.

Luna frowned at him. "Has anyone ever told you that you're a very rude young man?"

A half second later, the screaming from upstairs abruptly cut off and something unseen grabbed hold of the boy's ankles, dragging him back towards Harry.

"Oh, God no," he squealed, grabbing onto the banister. "He's going to kill me!"

"Noticed that, did you," Luna said dryly. "Hey, before you go, can tell me where you keep the mustard?"

Dudley had time for one last incredulous look before his grip gave out and he went back up, screaming bloody murder all the way. A few seconds later, a rippling, wet snap echoed from above, followed by an explosion of blood that repainted the stairs in red. Shortly afterwards, Harry came skipping back down, whistling an old Monty Python tune. He had discarded his jacket and his hands were drenched in blood to the elbows, with more splattered across his face.

"Did you want tea," Luna asked, setting his sandwich down on the kitchen table. She dabbed a wet towel at his face, wiping off the blood, and Harry gave her a kiss for her efforts.

"No, thanks."

He was nearly finished before Laurasia found her voice. Once the screaming had started, she had scooted into a corner and huddled down to wait it out, but now her curiosity was getting the best of her.

"Who were those people," she asked in a near whisper.

Harry smiled and slid his plate across the table, then reached down and grabbed her by the arm. She let out a frightened little squeal as he picked her up by the shoulders and sat her down on the table so they were facing each other, then leaned in and kissed her forcefully.

"No one important, trust me," he said against her lips.

Laurasia swallowed another little scream when Harry pulled her knees apart and pulled her towards him by the waist. Ever since she had approached him at the party, he had been dragging her around, from one insane, horrific situation to another, but paying her very little mind along the way. She had been an ornament, a witness to his demented little show, not one of the main players. Now she knew that she had his undivided attention, and it was more terrifying than anything she had experienced so far. She sensed more than saw Luna climb up on the table behind her, then felt the other blonde girl's fingers playing with her hair and stroking her back, where her dress left it bare. The Ravenclaw's hand drifted down to the tiny zipper and casually pulled it down.

"So," Harry said quietly, stroking the back of his fingers up and down her arm. "How's your night going so far?"

"I won't tell anyone anything," Laurasia said quietly, shaking her head. A few tears began to slide down her cheeks. She wasn't the brightest bulb at Hogwarts, but she could see where this was going. "Just please let me go."

"Let me ask you something, sweetie," Harry said, then leaned in close again, so that their bodies touched and his mouth was next to her ear. "Do we strike you as people who are overly worried about getting caught?"

He leaned back and Laurasia felt Luna's hands slip under her arms and push her dress down, exposing her bra, which she quickly removed. The other girl shifted so that they were sitting spooned against each other, Luna's bare legs on either side of hers and the Ravenclaw girl's bare chest pressing firmly into her back. Luna's arms wrapped around her, stroking her stomach much the same way Harry had done earlier, then drifted upwards to cup her breasts.

Laurasia knew that she should fight, or scream, or something, but couldn't find the will. She had entertained idle fancies of seducing Harry Potter back at the party, but this was something altogether different. He and Luna were going to take what they wanted, regardless of her consent. That was bad enough, but the memory of those people screaming upstairs and the brutal way that he and Luna had murdered Professor Snape and Draco Malfoy reminded her that trying their patience could make things far, far worse on her.

What she couldn't understand was why. How could Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood, two of the most decent people at Hogwarts and heroes in their own right, turn into cruel, sadistic killers in the space of a few hours?

"Shouldn't ask, sweetpea," Luna whispered in her ear, almost as if she had read her mind. "Suspension of disbelief, remember?"

Harry chuckled under his breath at that, then slipped his hand inside Laurasia's skirt, plucking teasingly at the edge of her knickers where they covered her womanhood, then running his thumb along her furrow, through the lacy fabric. She squirmed in embarrassment over what she knew what he would find down there. She was too afraid to be aroused now, but she certainly had been back at the party when he had first come on to her, and she could feel the dampness still clinging to her when he touched her.

After a few moments of casual teasing, he brushed her knickers aside and pressed two fingers inside of her, quickly brushing against her barrier. She flinched and squirmed at the unwelcome intrusion, but Luna was there to hold her in place. One of Harry's hands joined hers fondling Laurasia's breasts, while the other continued to explore her quim, slowly working in and out, his thumb running in little circles around her hood, which began to redden and open for him, even though she herself was very much an unwilling participant in this.

Laurasia was desperately ashamed of the feelings that Harry and Luna were pulling out of her body, and tried to turn her face away, but Luna quickly reached around from behind and pulled her head back, pressing their lips together and slipping her tongue into Laurasia's mouth. After a few seconds with no response, the Ravenclaw caught her bottom lip with her teeth and bit it, hard. Laurasia yanked her head away with a yell, tasting blood in her mouth, then caught a vicious slap from Harry as she came back around.

"Say you're sorry," he admonished, holding up a finger.

Laurasia swallowed another sob. "I'm sorry," she said a whisper, stars still dancing across her eyes from Harry's blow.

"Not like that," he said, then motioned Luna to move away. Once she was clear, Harry put a hand on Laurasia's bare sternum and eased her down so that her back was flat on the table.

"Now say it the right way."

Laurasia had no idea what he was talking about until Luna scooted back over and slowly straddled her face, her body turned towards Harry. The Ravenclaw girl's warm, dripping muff pressed insistently against her lips, and she could feel Harry, standing between her open thighs, give her a warning slap on the inside of her thigh, as if to say "get on with it already". Luna's hands were back on her breasts, squeezing them the point of pain, then loosening and rubbing them soothingly.

Not knowing what else to do, Laurasia swallowed nervously and flicked her tongue out, brushing against the other girl's sex. Above her, Luna laughed girlishly and bounced on her knees, demanding more. Laurasia did the best she could to comply, kissing and licking along Luna's nether lips, then stretching her tongue to touch her clit. While she was doing that, her stomach twisted as she felt Harry begin to manhandle her dress down off her hips, lifting her legs up on his shoulder to get it off, then pulling off her knickers.

Even with Luna's thighs pressed against the sides of her head, she could still hear him taking down his trousers. Maybe it was better this way. At least she wouldn't have to look at him as he violated her. Paradoxically, she gave even more attention to what she was doing, trying to distract herself from what was about to happen. Luna's hips had settled into a steady rolling motion, and Laurasia gave herself fully to the task, hooking her arms around the other girl's legs and pressing her tongue deep inside.

Whatever her intention of trying to adapt to the situation, she could still feel Harry looming over her, still feel his hands pushing her legs apart and the head of his shaft touching her most private entrance, rolling up and down along her slit, prolonging her suffering. Her body might still eager him, but she was repulsed. Harry and Luna were talking to each other, making vile comments across her exposed body, but she willed her ears not to hear them.

When he finally pushed inside of her, she wanted to howl in anger and resentment, but only a sad, broken little sob came forth. She was too inexperienced to know if he was larger than normal or not, but he felt enormous as he slowly eased his way into her, stretching her out uncomfortably. A sudden burst of stinging pain told her that she was no longer a virgin, and a moment later his hips touched hers, and she knew that he was fully sheathed.

Luna laid down on top of her to get a better look at the action, watching as Harry's cock stroked in and out of Laurasia's abused honeypot. She traced her fingers along the V of the other girl's opening, which made her squirm in a most satisfactory way. Whether it was from pleasure, pain, or simple embarrassment was beside the point. She dipped her head again and licked along the top of Harry's shaft as it pumped away, tasting the mixture between the two of them and smacking her lips in approval.

Harry pulled out of Laurasia and offered himself to her. She laughed out loud when she saw a thin piece of flesh, proof of Laurasia's forced deflowering, still sticking to the bottom of his shaft. She happily sucked it off, running her tongue up and down Harry's deathstick as she did, then lifted herself up on her hands and knees to look down between her legs at Laurasia's wet, despondent face.

"See, look," she said, then stuck out her tongue to show the other girl her own former maidenhead. "You're eating me, and now I'm eating you."

Laurasia stared in horror as Luna promptly swallowed her used hymen, then eagerly looked up at Harry.

"Can we eat her when we're done? Please? Snape's head is giving me gas. I think it's from trying to digest his dirty mind." Luna ran a hand along the inside of Laurasia's thigh. "I bet she's nice and tender, too."

It was finally too much for Laurasia. As terrified as she was at what might happen if Harry got mad at her, Luna's casual question was enough conformation that playing along wasn't going to save her life. With a sudden burst of fear-driven strength, she heaved the other girl off of her, sending her crashing to the kitchen floor. Rolling to her left, trying to keep the table between her and Harry for as long as she could, she scrambled off of it and tried to make a break for the back door.

If Harry was worried about her getting away, he didn't show it. He simply stepped out of the trousers puddled at his ankles and followed along, stripping off his shirt as he did. He didn't even bother retrieving his wand. Luna was cursing furiously and clutching her head behind him, but he knew that she would bounce back soon enough. She always did. Moving down the back hall at an easy stroll, he found Laurasia pounding on the back windows and screaming for someone to come and rescue her. She might as well have been trying to bend steel with her bare hands for all the effect she was having on the glass. Seeing him coming, she turned and ran down the connecting hall, going around towards the front door.

When Harry caught up with her this time, she had already worn herself out pounding on it and was sitting at its base, her knees up to her chin and her arms wrapped around herself, huge sobs wracking her slim frame. She glared at him through reddened, tearstained eyes, but made no further attempt to flee.

"I'm crazy, not stupid," he told her with something approaching gentleness. "I secured the house magically almost as soon as we got here. Nothing comes in or goes out, unless I say so. Not even sounds."

"Why me," she asked in a wavering voice. "Why are you doing this to me?!"

He shrugged. "Why not you? If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that bad things really do happen to good people, usually for no more reason than casual spite. Why should you be different? What's so special about you, that you should be spared?"

She nearly screamed at him. "I never did anything to anyone!"

He went down on his haunches next to her, reaching out a hand to caress her leg. "Doesn't matter. Because you know what else I've learned? That it's more fun to be the Bad Thing than the good person. And the Bad Thing doesn't need a reason."

She hardly had time to contemplate that before he had grabbed her and thrown her down on the floor, face first. His hands were quickly on her, pulling her hips up so that she was on her knees with her face pushed into the carpet. This time, when he took her, it was brutal and violent, making the first time seem like gentle lovemaking by comparison. Her already torn and abused hole was violated mercilessly, until she couldn't endure the pain anymore and began screaming and begging for him to stop. Harry's only response was to pick her head up off the floor by her hair and slam it down over and over again until she could hardly tell what was happening. Dimly, she felt his shaft swelling and spurting over and over again as he kept slamming into her.

Finally spent, Harry stood up and stretched, working out the kinks in his back from holding that position for so long. At his feet, Laurasia rolled onto her side and curled up into the fetal position, weeping uncontrollably and gasping for breath. He glanced down at her, shrugged, and went to find his pants.

Her respite didn't last long. Before her senses had a chance to come back to her, Laurasia felt small hands turning her over and someone straddling her waist. She looked up, bleary-eyed, and saw Luna sitting on top of her, a gleeful little smile on her face and one arm behind her back.

"Harry said it was my turn," she said, running a finger between Laurasia's sweat-slick breasts. "But since I don't have a nice thick cock to stick inside of you, I had to improvise."

Her right arm swung around nearly faster than the eye could follow, the butcher's knife clutched in it flashing in the low light and burying itself into Laurasia's left breast. There was an explosion of pain and the horrible sensation of cold metal pushing its way into her flesh. Luna wrenched the knife free and raised it over her head, holding it with both hands this time, then brought it down directly into her sternum, which deflected it away from her heart, only to nick her lung. Over and over again, Luna stabbed the knife down into her chest and wrenched it back out again, until Laurasia could see her own blood splattered across every part of the other girl's body. The last thing she felt before the world went black was a final thrust into her neck that pierced her windpipe and grated sickeningly against the bones of her spine.

After that, there was only darkness, and the blissful absence of pain.

Several minutes later, Harry stood on the front porch, clean and fully dressed again, with his dinner jacket draped over his arm. He sighed to himself and yelled for Luna to hurry up.

"Coming," she called back, then came skipping along, still clothed in nothing except streaks of Laurasia's blood. It was especially thick around her mouth, but Harry didn't bother asking why. He offered her his arm and she took it with a dainty little bow.

Harry pulled out his watch again, but Luna impatiently grabbed it out of his hand.

"No more portkeys! Goodness knows where we'll end up this time!"

Harry shrugged. "Knight Bus?"

She nodded. "Knight Bus."

"So… who should we blame it on this time," he asked her as they strolled down Privet Drive, arm in arm.

Luna licked more blood off her fingers and shrugged. "Death Eaters always seemed to work before."

Harry made a face. "We always say it's their fault. Lack of imagination will be the death of us." He let out a sudden, rolling laugh. "How about we pin it on that nefarious criminal Sirius Black this time? Tell the media he threatened people around me and watch Dumbledore try to spin it."

Luna laughed as well. "I love that! You'll cry at the press conference, right?"

"Oh yeah. Big, messy crocodile tears. I'll swear revenge too, all dramatic-like."

She snuggled under his arm. "I can't wait!"

They got to the end of the street and Harry raised his wand. The Knight Bus appeared with a window-shaking crack and the two of them boarded, signing in as Mickey and Minnie Mouse. No one asked about the names or why Luna was naked and covered in blood. This time of night, on public transport, you saw all kinds of strange things, and you were much better off not sticking your nose in them.

Harry leaned back in his seat, with Luna snuggled contentedly in his lap, and they all lived happily ever after.

Except the ones who were dead.

(The End… or is it?)

(It is, trust me.)

(Probably.)

AN: I always look at myself funny in the mirror when I write shit like this, particularly this one, which might be the single most pointless fic I've ever written. It got a lot darker in places than I intended, but that was where the story took me. I had no real plan here. I just kinda kept typing until something resembling a plot came out. People kept at me to finish it though, so I wash my hands of the whole thing.

If you liked this, there is something seriously wrong with you. Seek help.

Big D


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